I grew up in the church, but walked away without making a commitment when I was a teenager. I believed that everything in the Bible was truth, and that Jesus was the Messiah, but I didn't really have an understanding or relationship with Him. In 1983, I asked Christ into my heart, after much searching and talking with others of various religions over a period of 2 years. I walked with the Lord for a couple of years, got married, and tried to live differently, but when things became rocky in my marriage, I turned away from the Lord, and chose to walk a path that did not include following God, or doing His Will. I never gave up my belief, but I didn't walk the path of righteousness. I got into a live-in relationship that lasted many years, and I kept asking God, to 'just hang on until they came to know Him, and then we could live a Christian life'. Many times, God stood at the door to my heart and knocked...only to be refused. I knew He was the way to happiness; and could uphold me in my times of trouble, but out of pride, and selfish desire, I refused to give Him control. I knew that if I came back to Christ, I would have to give up the man I was living with, because our relationship was not God's will for me.

My spirit grieved continually for Christ, but my choices in life just further hardened my heart to God's voice. My selfish, willful way put everything in my life above God. My decisions just made it easier to believe Satan when he told me I had blown it, and that God wouldn't want me back. Besides, I shouldn't even be thinking about God or talking about Him if I couldn't live the way "I was supposed to"... Does this sound familiar? Has anyone else every felt like that?

Now God ... N HZ GRACE, had another plan... First, He said He had to clean my act up... And let me tell you, I was a mess... but, I didn't give my will over to God easily, although I knew He could 'fix' me. All He needed was that little mustard seed of faith to start His work with me. I had done it all, tried it all, and still wasn't happy. I had known God and tasted His goodness before, so now I was gonna 'let Him try again'. Big of me, or what! :)

I came back to the Lord in November 1997. In January 1998, He took my 2 pack a day cigarette addiction, and two months later, in March 1998, after much turmoil and the breakup the week before, He said, "Your smoking joints is ruining your witness for me. Are you going to let me take them too?" He had asked me before, and I had only been 'brought down' by the joints after being in the Spirit of the Lord, but out of peer pressure, I had continued to smoke. This time, though, I had to agree with God. He had already taken the cigarettes, over 2 months before - and I didn't even have a craving! I gave it up. Praiz God.

By now, I was willing to do just about anything He asked... In originally coming back to him in 1997, He started me out in reading His Word. Suddenly, I had to have it. Nothing else was even worth looking at, and was just smut to me. Magazine and novels no longer held my interest. When I asked Him why only the Bible, he said, "After all those years of accepting anything and everything as okay, I have to re-educate you in the truth. This is your 'sword'; become familiar with it's 'weight'!" That was cool enough for me. Totally awesome, really! God wasn't a real 'old dodey' after all! He was actually speaking to me in a way in which I understood. And then He gave me back my gift of writing ...as long as I glorified His name. I had no problem with that because without Jesus, I didn't have anything to write about anyway... At least, nothing nice it seemed!

But ... human nature, and the evil one, doesn't allow our lives to be that easy. I still had alot of trust building to do... Now, along with a willful way, I had a bad temper. After all that cleaning up that God had done in my life, I was still upset by the injustice of my family and friends not being the way I wanted them to be. Plus, I was continuing to live in sin by staying in my common-law relationship. But, the 'deceiving angel of light' said, "Don't worry about it, God won't mind while you wait for everyone else to accept Him. Just be happy that you're reading and praying; doesn't that feel better?"

The more I accepted that lie, the worse I became toward my family and friends. I was judgemental and bitter toward them, and angry toward my boyfriend. All the things a 'good l'il Christian girl' shouldn't be. And believe me, they let me know their opinion of me and how 'unchristian' I was being.

I had just spent alot of years believing alot of lies about what was and wasn't okay, and after coming back to God, He wasn't having anymore of it. I loved them all, but I sure wasn't strong enough to withstand this new life in the old style. The Lord knew this and to show me what that is all about, God set me apart from my family and friends! My 15 year old son ran away again the first weekend in March, and my live-in boyfriend and his daughter moved two days later. This was all quite sudden, and I still occasionally get condemned by Satan for 'driving them away'. Yes, I realize my anger had a big part in the breakup, but I see more clearly now how God used it to seperate me from my former life style. Blessed is His Holy name! "I have given them your word and the world has hated them, for they are not of the world any more than I am of the world. My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one. They are not of this world, even as I am not of it." {John 17:14-16} Jesus Christ, my Lord and Saviour, is now MY SALVATION AND GREAT REDEEMER. He is patiently showing me that He is to be first. He had just spent over 12 years being out in left field, and now, HE IS the Coach.

Since the breakup, the Lord has shown me even more of His Grace... He told me to move out of my dream house and trust Him to take care of me. At this time, I didn't even have a job, and had just closed my own business. I did not want to do this, and Satan was telling me to 'walk the property that He had given me"...but God is asking, "Will you walk away for me?" Well, guess what voice I wanted to hear?!! In His patience and endurance, God gave me some time to reflect, heal, and rest in the house. BUT THINGS GOT WORSE, THE LONGER I STAYED ... Finally at the end of April, I said, "Lord, not my will, but thy will be done," and I meant it. That weekend a little light shone around an ad in the paper for an apartment in a Christian home...GO FIGURE! The Lord opened the hearts of the owners who let me rent 'in good faith'. That same weekend...who gets a phone call back from dropping off a resume the day before??? I had to stop in the middle of moving to shower, change and go to the interview, but 2 hours later, I accepted the job. PRAISE GOD!!! HE MAY NOT COME WHEN YOU WANT HIM TO, BUT HE'S RIGHT ON TIME!

HEAVEN CALLS AND BECKONS ME

God still has alot of work to do in this ol' heart of mine, but I am willing, and learning to trust Him more and more each day. I realize that years of garbage piling up inside us does not go away as quickly as we want sometimes. Even worse, there is always more there than we really thought was there to begin with. But I have the blessed assurance that as long as I keep coming, He will never refuse me. As we come, He will continue to show His grace and mercy as HE slowly 'makes us over' into who we are to be in Him. He knew we couldn't do it on our own, that's why Jesus came and took all our sins upon Himself. Through Him, I can find hope for myself, and for others. I don't always understand the way God works, but I am living proof that "...in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose..." {Romans 8:28}

...and all this from the girl that said, "We're not getting the net! There's too much smut on it!" I guess it all depends on WHAT you're looking for. As I am continuing to grow in God's grace, I am learning that no matter how willing you are for God to work in your life, you are not perfect, and you will sometimes try to go on your own strength ~ and this only leads to pitfalls. I also learning that God doesn't teach you everything at once. He allows different things at different times so that you can continually grow towards maturity in your knowledge of Him. I have also learned that when God says let go ~ you better let go, because there is nothing on earth that can make the situation any better if God says He has other plans in mind for you. I have learned that giving up my will and hopes and desires for a future built on the past, is the hardest thing I will ever have to do in life. But, I am willing to do whatever it takes, and I am learning to trust and obey, as I listen more carefully to that still small voice of God's wisdom.

I continue to learn that through it all, everyday, our God truly is an awesome God. He is true to His Word to uphold and strengthen in times of trouble. He teaches and instructs in continual love and patience. He is kind and caring and slow to anger. His grace and mercy endure forever. And yes, in Him, by the gift of His grace, I will continue to go forth...nhzname!